In my imagination, readers of this column never tire of asking me where I get the material for my weekly meanderings. “Where do you get this stuff, Bill?” I pretend they ask, adoringly.
My instinctive reaction is to lie, and say I spend days in exhaustive research of scholarly journals and peer-reviewed studies. The truth is I simply take notes as I scan The Smoking Gun and the police blotters of the Miami Herald, the Orlando Sentinel and the Tallahassee Journal.
It is no exaggeration to say that as long as Florida and Wal Mart exist, I have a column.
Consider the latest harvest from the fertile field of the Sunshine State.
IS THAT A TONGUE IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
A 44-year-old Florida man was locked up by DeLand police after he was caught shoplifting two beef tongues from the meat section at the local Wal Mart.
The tongues – all six and a half pounds of them – were found stuffed in his pants as he fled from the store.
Valued at $35.35, the two tongues were returned to the store. No word on whether they were again put on display.
SO, YOU’RE SAYING IT’S NOT TAKE-YOUR-DAUGHTER-TO-WORK DAY?
A Florida couple who were caught shoplifting $600 worth of tools and auto accessories from Wal Mart neglected to tell arresting officers they had left their three young children locked in a car in the parking lot. At 2 a.m. – seven hours after the pair had been taken to jail – Wal Mart workers found the kids aged two, five and seven crying inside the locked sedan. In addition to grand theft, the pair faces charges of child endangerment.
PONCE DE LEON, CALL YOUR OFFICE
Stopped for a traffic infraction, a woman said she had left her driver’s license at home but she was able to give police a name, a social security number and a birthdate of 1992. When police remarked she appeared much older than that, she said she suffered from a rare medical condition that made her age faster than normal. Under further questioning by suspicious police, the woman finally confessed she used the identity of her 22 year old daughter because her own license had been suspended. Her true age was 43.
THEY’RE CALLED USED CARS FOR A REASON
A Florida couple were arrested last week when they were caught having sex on top of a 2004 Kia Sedona inside a West Palm Beach auto dealership. The woman, aged 18, and her 300 pound lover, age 29 were spotted inside the dealership near midnight by a passerby, who was alerted to their presence by loud moaning. The pair was arrested for trespassing and lewd conduct. The minivan has been priced to move at $3,995.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING – FLORIDA EDITION
A Pasco County man was arrested after being observed passing a plastic baggie containing methamphetamine and marijuana to another man and was charged with drug distribution. At the time of his arrest, he was wearing a T-shirt with the inscription Who Needs Drugs (No, Seriously, I Have Drugs.)
He joins a long list of people from other states whose T-shirts proved to be prophetic, including:
An Illinois man arrested for meth manufacture wearing a Breaking Bad T-shirt.
A Kentucky man arrested for marijuana distribution wearing a T-shirt that said All My Friends Are Baked.
An Oklahoma man arrested for public drunkenness while wearing a T-shirt that said I’m A Drunk, Not An Alcoholic (alcoholics go to meetings).
A Kentucky woman arrested for possession of 3.37 grams of crystal meth while wearing a T-shirt that said I (heart) Crystal Meth.
You can’t make this stuff up – I don’t even try.
INTERESTING HOLIDAYS THIS WEEK: Jan. 12 – Feast Of Fabulous Wild Men Day (You know who you are. I don’t have to tell you), 13th - Dress Up Your Pet Day (Don’t do it. Just don’t), 15th – National Hat Day. 16th – Appreciate A Dragon Day (Celeste Waid, I’m looking at you). Enjoy.
Bill Bouldin, a Virginian by birth and a Son of Texas by nature, is a former Air Force pilot and veteran journalist who has spent many tale-weaving years on the Texas-Mexico border.